


Gravity Like a Lunar Landing

by Hummingbird1759



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Angst, F/M, Idiots in Love, Making Up, Pining, Post-Canon, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Slow Burn, breaking up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-14
Updated: 2020-12-31
Packaged: 2021-03-10 22:34:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 10,951
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28064808
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hummingbird1759/pseuds/Hummingbird1759
Summary: Chakotay loses something but gains something in its place.  Upgraded rating to T for profanity.
Relationships: Chakotay/Kathryn Janeway, Chakotay/Seven of Nine
Comments: 144
Kudos: 111





	1. Finis

He’d seen the end coming a long time ahead. First, their date nights had petered out – he had an excuse, or she did, or they both did. One day he realized that he was no longer disappointed but relieved that she didn’t have time for him. He suspected that she felt the same way, but they didn’t spend enough time together for him to ask her. Her fellow xBs were more important, his paleontology work was more important… at the very end, watching paint dry would’ve been more important.

He supposed it was unfair to label an xB as distant, especially one who’d grown up in the Collective; it was similar to calling a Klingon aggressive or a Ferengi greedy. Whether by nature or nurture or both, that was who they were. _You knew what you were getting into,_ he reminded himself. _If you’re not happy, that’s no one’s fault but your own._

One night, he walked into their quarters, realized it was the first time they’d both been there in a month, and that everything about it felt wrong. He could hear her in the bedroom and called to her to join him in the living room.

She swaggered out wearing a leather jacket, leggings, and boots, a duffel bag slung over her shoulder and blond hair cascading down her back. If she’d been a stranger to him, he would have found her beautiful.

He was about to speak, but she beat him to it. “I have decided that our romantic relationship has run its course.”

He was momentarily dumbfounded.

She tilted her head. “Your silence tells me that you do not disagree.”

He sighed. “No. I can’t say that I do.” After a brief pause, he added, “So… where are you going?”

“It is best that you do not know. The risk to your safety is too great. And since we are little better than roommates, it is none of your concern regardless.”

He couldn’t argue with that either. 

“Good luck, Seven.”

She nodded in reply and then walked out.

He sank into the couch. _Knowing that the torpedo’s going to hit doesn’t make it do any less damage._

* * *

Those first few lonely months were a blur. Get up, go to work, come home, eat something, read paleontology journals, fall into bed exhausted, repeat. 

He hadn’t had much time or inclination to think about the past until one day when he went out for a run in the park and noticed a group of female Starfleet officers jogging by him. _Kathryn_. 

He shook his head. _Don’t be ridiculous. It’s been five years. She’s moved on. You chose Seven, she accepted that, end of story._ He pushed the thought of his former commanding officer out of his mind.

At least, he tried to. Suddenly, Kathryn Janeway was everywhere to him, everything somehow reminded him of her and their days on _Voyager_ – her black coffee, her raspy voice, her indomitable spirit, her outsized strength in an undersized frame.

After a few weeks of this, he decided it was time to stop torturing himself. _As a captain I can get her record. I’ll look at it, find out that she’s married, and that’ll be the end of it._ Yes, that’s surely the way it would go.

Late one night, he picked up a PADD and tentatively searched “Kathryn Janeway” in Starfleet’s personnel records.

_Janeway, Kathryn._

_Rank: Admiral_

_Current Position: Professor of Leadership and Survival Skills, Starfleet Academy._

_Marital Status: Single_

A few days later, he found himself standing in front of Admiral Janeway’s office door. He rang the comm bell and the doors opened. Janeway’s assistant, a young Bajoran woman, glanced up from her work. “May I help you, Captain?”

“Yes, I’m here to see Admiral Janeway.”

“Do you have an appointment?” The Bajoran queried.

“Er… no. I’m afraid I don’t.”

“She’s rather busy right now, but I can see if she’s available. Whom should I say is calling?”

“Tell her… tell her it’s the Angry Warrior,” he said with a slight smile.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title of this chapter is Latin for "the end." Title of the story comes from the Gavin Rossdale song "Love Remains the Same."


	2. Principium

The sun sank low in the summer sky as Admiral Janeway feverishly worked on her students’ final grades. _June is the most beautiful time of year in San Francisco, and I spend 90% of my days stuck in the office._ She chuckled, shook her head, and got back to work. Grading stress notwithstanding, she truly did love this work – loved watching her timid students learn to take command, her brash students learn teamwork, her bookish students learn creativity, her aggressive students learn patience. Her class was required for graduation and almost all the cadets described it as “life-changing.” It had been for her too; it wasn’t commanding a starship in the far-flung reaches of the Delta Quadrant, but it was massively fulfilling work, work that made Starfleet better. As a bonus, she needn’t worry about running out of coffee.

There was no one to share said coffee with, either. She’d had a few dalliances since returning to Earth – one of the little-discussed benefits of wearing an admiral’s uniform – but to her mother’s chagrin, she remained unmarried. 

Nevermind. Phoebe had given their mother grandchildren, and Kathryn wasn’t going to do that, husband or no husband.

The comm interrupted her ruminations. “Admiral, there’s someone here to see you.”

“Who?”

Her assistant’s voice was confused. “He says… he’s the Angry Warrior?”

_Shit._ The hair on the back of her neck stood up. Memories of New Earth came flooding back, followed by their return to _Voyager_ , then the night she’d done something unforgivable… and the morning after, which was somehow even worse. She’d made her choice, she’d chosen duty, and she’d told herself that was the right thing for all concerned. Some days, she even believed it.

Kathryn took a deep breath, then a sip of coffee to steady herself. “Send him in. And Ohono?”

“Yes, Admiral?”

“It’s been a long day. Go home,” she said with a smile, and then stood up to await her visitor.

“Yes, ma’am.”

Chakotay walked into her office looking much the same as the last time she’d seen him nearly six years earlier. She swallowed hard, reeling at the sight of the man. Neither he nor Seven had ever attended a _Voyager_ reunion; she hadn’t thought very hard about the reasons why.

“Hello, Kathryn,” he said, drinking in the sight of her. “It’s been a long time.”

“Yes, Chakotay, it has. Have a seat.” Her heart thudded against her ribs. _Let’s get this overwith._ As they sat down, she asked, “How’s Seven?”

He took the seat across from her and said, “Seven is irrelevant.”

Kathryn almost made an acerbic remark about the ex-Borg having rubbed off on him, but thought better of it and held her tongue.

Chakotay continued, “We… it didn’t work.”

“I see.” After a long pause, she added, “And now you’re here.”

“Yes. I think we have some unfinished business,” he replied hesitantly.

She snapped, “Is that what the kids are calling a ‘transporter echo’ these days?”

“Kathryn…”

She looked down at her lap; that had been unnecessarily nasty and she knew it. “I’m sorry, Chakotay. It’s Finals Week and everybody’s a little on edge.”

The corner of his mouth turned up. “It’s all right. Sometimes I forget that June is just as stressful for faculty as it is for the cadets.”

She folded her arms. “Still, I can’t help but notice that you sought me out immediately after your wife left you.”

He huffed under his breath. “First of all, she was never my wife.”

Kathryn blinked. “What?”

“We discussed marriage after we got back, but we decided we should live together for a year first. After the first year, we kept saying we’d discuss it again, but we never did. After the second year, we didn’t discuss much of anything.”

“Oh. I’m sorry.”

He half-shrugged. “She’s been gone almost a year. I’ve had plenty of time to think… and I can’t stop thinking about you.”

_Shit. We are not having this conversation. Not here, not now._ She was reasonably certain that Ohono had left, but that didn’t mean there weren’t other prying eyes and ears around. “Chakotay, this isn’t the time or place. Meet me in the lobby in half an hour; I’ve got a few more final grades to file and then we can take this somewhere more private.”

“All right, Kathryn,” he nodded, and with that, he departed.

After he left, she groaned and buried her face in her hands. Was she about to fix the biggest mistake of her life, or compound it?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title is Latin for "beginning."


	3. Amarum

Janeway had invited him back to her quarters, perched high above the San Francisco Bay. He complimented the view and she half-smiled. “Rank has its privileges.”

After replicating a cup of tea for each of them (far too late in the day for coffee), she invited him to sit down on the couch. “All right, Chakotay, explain yourself. You avoid me for six years, then show up on my doorstep as soon as you find yourself single again; even you have to admit that’s not a good look.”

He sighed. _She’s right, as usual._ “No. I’m aware that it’s not. And I didn’t come all this way just to see you. I’ve got an Academy classmate who recently moved back to the area, and Tom and B’Elanna told me they’d be Earthside for a few days.”

She nodded. “Yes, they mentioned it. That doesn’t explain your years of silence.”

He sipped his tea while composing his thoughts. “For a long time, Seven and I really tried to make things work. She knew what went on between you and me.” He noticed her flinch at this but pressed on, “and if I’d been communicating with you, well, as you said, that would not be a good look.”

“Fine,” she replied in a tone that said things were most certainly not fine. “So now you expect me to… what? Drop everything and run away with you?”

He chuckled. “Definitely not.”

“Then what?”

He began, “Kathryn, you’re not just a damn good captain-”

She muttered unintelligibly.

He cocked his head at her. “Sorry, what did you say?”

She let out a long exhale and looked him in the eye. “I am not a good captain. And _you_ should know that better than anyone.”

He gaped at her. _She can’t be serious._ “Kathryn, I…”

She shook her head as if to clear something out of it. “Chakotay, you should have known this was a bad idea. I think you should leave.”

His shoulders sagged and he put his teacup down with a defeated clink. “Very well. I’m in town for a few more days; let me know if you change your mind.”

He walked out the door and into the turbolift. As the doors closed on him, he wondered how he’d managed to screw up so badly again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title is Latin for "bitter."


	4. Culpa

“You told him to leave?” The counselor repeated. “Then what happened?”

Kathryn shrugged. “He left.”

“Why did you throw him out?” The question was not an accusation but rather, genuine curiosity. 

She looked down at the floor and growled, “I _hate_ it when people call me a good captain.”

The counselor, a crimson-haired half-Betazoid woman named Koyiro, regarded her empathetically. “Why is that?”

Kathryn said morosely, “I stranded my crew in the Delta Quadrant for seven years, got eighteen of them killed on the journey home, spent two months ignoring my duties, and for an encore, slept with my first officer. Good captains don’t do those things.” 

Kathryn paused to take a sip of water and then continued, “And this isn’t about an inability to take a compliment. I’m a good admiral; I got nothing but positive reviews when I worked at Starfleet Command, despite hating the work. I’m a good teacher; my former students frequently tell me that the skills I’ve taught them have saved their lives and the lives of those under their command. But I was emphatically _not_ a good captain.”

“Back up a minute. You said you slept with your first officer?” Koyiro asked.

She nodded yes, misery in her eyes.

“The _same_ first officer who came to visit you?”

Again, she nodded yes.

“This would have been useful for me to know earlier,” Koyiro chided. Six months into their working relationship and Kathryn’s tendency to play her cards close to her chest still had Koyiro vexed.

“Sorry,” Kathryn murmured. “I never told anyone that before.”

“It’s all right. That’s what therapy is for,” Koyiro assured her. “So, him telling you that he thinks you’re a good captain is, for you, further proof that you’re a bad captain.”

Kathryn rubbed her palms together. “I made a lot of mistakes in the Delta Quadrant, but most of them I can find a moral justification for. And the crewmembers who died under my command? I met with their families as soon as I returned, faced their well-deserved wrath. I’ve had closure on that, or at least as much closure as anybody ever gets.” Someday, she would tell her counselor that their deaths still haunted her nightmares, but this was not the day. She took a ragged breath before continuing. “But sleeping with a subordinate? When you know they’re in love with you? And you were tasked with bringing them to justice? There was no excuse for that. It was just selfish and irresponsible.” 

Koyiro considered this. “Doing one selfish thing doesn’t make someone a bad captain. And as for bringing him to justice, it sounds like the years in the Delta Quadrant did a fine job of reforming him – all the ex-Maquis have had exemplary service records since their return.”

Even Kathryn couldn’t contest that.

Koyiro added, “But what’s this about him being in love with you? Did he tell you that?”

She shifted uncomfortably in her seat. “Not in so many words. But when we were stranded together on a planet for a few weeks, he told me a story. He said it was an ancient legend of his people’s, but it was obvious he was talking about himself.”

“What was the story?”

“It was about an angry warrior who’d never found inner peace and was only happy when he was fighting. Then he was captured by a woman warrior, who was brave and beautiful and wise.” Kathryn nearly choked at this, but regained her composure and continued, “She invited him to join her tribe, and the angry warrior swore that he would stay at her side, putting her needs first and doing whatever he could to make her burdens lighter. And that was when the angry warrior began to know peace.”

“And how did you react to that?”

“Badly.”

Koyiro tilted her head inquisitively. “Did you get upset with him?”

“No… we held hands. And then we went back to _Voyager_ and we didn’t speak of it again for three years.”

“What made the two of you finally discuss it?”

Kathryn let out a heavy sigh, rested her elbows on her knees, and looked down at the floor with sagging shoulders. “This is where my dereliction of duty comes in. We were travelling through a part of the Delta Quadrant known as The Void – it’s a 2500 light-year expanse with no stars or systems, just seemingly infinite darkness and monotony. It gave me a lot of time to think about my regrets and failures, of which there were many. A week or so after we entered The Void, I holed up in my quarters and left Chakotay to run the ship. For months, I didn’t go anywhere or speak to anyone except him.”

“What brought you out?”

“We came across an intelligent species that lived in The Void. Another race, the Malon, had been taking a vortex into The Void and dumping their antimatter waste there, with predictable effects on the natives. We tried to reason with them, we tried to show them the Federation’s antimatter disposal technology… it didn’t work. So, I decided I was going to destroy the vortex,” she said, raising her head.

Koyiro regarded her quizzically. “Alone?”

Kathryn met Koyiro’s gaze and gave a determined nod. “Alone. When we destroyed the Caretaker’s array, I forced my crew to sacrifice their futures for a planet full of strangers. I couldn’t bear to do it again. My plan was to get on a shuttle, have _Voyager_ escape through the vortex, and then I would stay behind and destroy it.”

“A suicide mission,” Koyiro murmured. “What stopped you?”

“Chakotay. I had him assemble the senior officers on the bridge so that I could tell them my plan. He did, but beforehand, he told them that he had an idea of what I was going to do and that he wasn’t going to allow it. When no one would comply with my plan, we came up with a new way out of The Void.”

Kathryn paused to take another sip of water and then resumed her story. “That evening, after we were both off shift, I went to his quarters. He’d engineered a mutiny to protect me; under normal circumstances, that could’ve gotten him court-martialed. I needed him to know that I was touched by the crew’s devotion – especially his.” She put her glass back on the table and sighed, “And the next morning, I woke up in his bed and realized that _I_ was the one who deserved to be court-martialed. ‘Don’t sleep with someone under your direct supervision’ and ‘don’t hide in your quarters for months at a time’ aren’t the Prime Directive, but they’re pretty close.”

Koyiro was momentarily taken aback by the agony in her usually standoffish client’s face. Regaining her rhythm, she asked, “What did you do when you woke up that morning?”

“The only thing I could think of: I tiptoed out of bed, went back to my quarters, took a shower, and reported for duty. We pretended that nothing happened, he started seeing Seven, and that was that.”

Koyiro nodded. “So, you threw him out last night because you think sleeping with him was a mistake, and you didn’t want to repeat it?”

Kathryn took a moment to consider the question. _It was a mistake. Still, I did want him to come back. Just not like this…_

She shook her head. “More than anything, I was angry about being treated like a convenience. ‘She’s gone but surely you’re available, right?’ The sheer fucking hubris,” she snarled. “The ‘good captain’ remark was the last straw.”

“Right. I can understand why he stayed away, but I also agree that returning the way he did wasn’t respectful of your time or feelings.” After a pause, the counselor added, “Do you think he’ll try to see you again?”

“Not likely,” Kathryn snorted ruefully.

“Do you _want_ to see him again?”

“Yes… as long as we define parameters.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title is Latin for “guilt.” The line “sheer fucking hubris” is shamelessly stolen from _Star Trek: Picard_ , and I dearly wish Janeway had been the one to say it on that show.


	5. Poenitent

At a waterfront bar, Tom Paris groaned and put his hand to his face. “Oh, _no_. Chakotay, you did _not_ treat our captain like a booty call!” 

Chakotay cringed. It was a crude and archaic term, but apt.

Tom dropped his hand and his eyes went wide. “Unless you two have _always_ done that…”

Chakotay recoiled in horror. “What? No! No, we didn’t…”

Tom shot him a disbelieving look. “Now I see why you never won at poker.”

He rolled his eyes. “It was just one- why am I telling you this?

Tom covered his face with both hands. “Nevermind, I don’t want to know!” He took another sip of his beer and said, “But really, what were you thinking? You had to have known how it’d look from her perspective. ‘Hey, I know we haven’t seen or spoken to each other in years, but here I am and oh by the way I’m single again.’ You couldn’t have sent her a letter first?”

Chakotay sighed and fiddled with his mug of synthehol. _Why didn’t I do that?_ “I should have,” he admitted. “I suppose… I thought we’d wasted enough time already.”

Tom rolled his eyes. “B’Elanna always said you two were like a bad holo-novel.” 

Both men were quiet for a minute, and then Tom continued, “She never came out and said it, but she was furious with you before you even walked in. You were the closest she had to a best friend on _Voyager_ , and then you just disappeared. That stung.”

Chakotay whispered, “That was a mistake. One of the worst ones I’ve ever made.” 

Tom bobbed his head in assent, but resisted the temptation to snark.

Sorrow in his eyes, Chakotay continued, “Do you think there’s any way I can salvage this? I doubt we have a future together, but Kathryn’s still the finest captain I’ve ever had. I respect her too much for there to be bad blood between us.”

“Well, you can start by apologizing, although if I were you, I’d do it over subspace instead of in person. I expect to see you at the crew reunion in August, and I want you to have all your appendages intact,” Tom smirked.

_Shit. The reunion._ “And now you’ll tell me I have to attend this one.”

Tom scoffed, “After missing the last five? Damn right you have to come.”

Chakotay let out an annoyed huff but said nothing.

“Come on, man, the crew misses you; you should at least come and see them,” Tom pleaded. “I’ll tell everyone not to ask you about Seven – you know _she’s_ not coming. And B’Elanna and I can keep you and the captain separated if necessary.”

Chakotay half-smiled. “I’ve missed the crew too. I’ll talk to my superiors, but I’m reasonably certain I can make it work.”

* * *

Late that night, Tom ambled back in to the hotel room where he and B’Elanna were staying. She lay on the bed in a silky robe, reading a book. He flopped down next to her and said hello in a slightly slurred tone.

B’Elanna smirked at him. “Fun evening?”

“Yeah. It was good to see Chakotay again, especially since he’s having a rough time.” He paused and then asked, “You remember that bet we made back on _Voyager_?”

She raised an eyebrow. “Which one?”

“The one about him and Captain Janeway. I said that if anybody could prove they didn’t get together, I’d eat _gagh_ , and you said that if anybody could prove they did, you’d eat raw calamari.”

B’Elanna rolled her eyes. “Oh yeah, that one. What about it?”

Tom grinned wickedly.

She gave him an incredulous stare. “You’re kidding!”

He crowed, “Nope. Heard it straight from the source. Time to pay up!”

“Well, I _could_ continue with the original terms of the bet,” B’Elanna purred, “but since Miral is with your family tonight, maybe you’d consider altering the deal?”

“I think we can come to an agreement,” he said, and leaned over to kiss her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title is Latin for "regret."


	6. Misericordiae

The message had sat in her inbox unread for over six weeks, buried under messages from friends, relatives, past students, and the occasional media request. She’d intended to leave the message in purgatory forever, but then B’Elanna had told her that its sender would be at the _Voyager_ reunion. Kathryn had kept in touch with the crew, eagerly looked forward to seeing them every year, and she certainly wasn’t going to let him ruin it for her. But if she spoke to him – and it seemed likely that she’d have to, regardless of Tom and B’Elanna’s promises – he’d ask about the message. _Might as well find out what’s in it. Forewarned is forearmed._ Koyiro had offered to read it for her, but Kathryn demurred. This was something she had to do herself, and the reunion was tomorrow; she’d put it off long enough. She sucked in a deep breath and felt the hair on the back of her neck stand up as she opened the message.

_Dear Kathryn,_

_I want to apologize for my behavior. After our return from the Delta Quadrant, I developed a sort of tunnel vision about my relationship with Seven. It was a mistake, and in trying to salvage what was ultimately unsalvageable, I destroyed one of the most important friendships of my life. My visit to your office was an impulsive and ill-advised decision, but it came out of a desire to avoid wasting any more time estranged from you._

_It was never my intention to make you feel like a “consolation prize” or a “transporter echo” or whatever demeaning term people use to describe someone one takes for granted. I have never had a better commanding officer than you, and I respect you more than anyone else in Starfleet. You knitted two adversarial crews together, despite your first officer’s stubborn resistance, and you kept them together through what may be the most difficult circumstances faced by any Starfleet captain in history. Serving at your side made me a better officer and a better man. Whatever the future holds for us, know that you will always have my admiration._

_You’ve told me that you have many regrets from our years on_ Voyager _. I only have one, and I think I’ve lost my chance to do anything about it._

_I know I don’t deserve it, but I hope you’ll accept my apology, and that we can resurrect our friendship. We’ve been through too much to stop trusting each other._

_Chakotay_

She snorted with equal parts derision and amusement. _Just like him to use my own words on me._ She wasn’t sure what she had expected the letter to say, but that wasn’t it. 

_Everything was fine until he showed up_ , she thought grumpily. She’d gotten promoted, spent a few uneventful years at Command, and then when she could finally get back on a starship without having a panic attack about being hurled back to the Delta Quadrant, designed a Starfleet Academy course based on her experiences on _Voyager_. She’d remained single, but that was all right with her; after seven years in a tin can with 140 other people underfoot, solitude was a much-cherished luxury. _And I can still turn men’s heads… and then kick them out of my quarters in the morning without worrying about seeing them in the mess hall._

Her days and nights were full, but now and then Chakotay would pop into her head. She’d be reminded of a story from their _Voyager_ days or one of her students would do something that she thought would amuse him, and she’d get the urge to talk to him about it. Or she’d dream of _Voyager_ , then wake up and attempt to comm him in her pre-coffee haze. But then she’d remember, and the urge would pass, and she’d get back to her day.

Well. What was done could not be undone, as one of her early post- _Voyager_ counselors had reminded her. _Probably the only smart thing that one ever said._ She and Chakotay couldn’t get back the six years they were estranged, but what could they do with the ones ahead? They might never regain the closeness they’d enjoyed on Voyager, but maybe they could be a team again.

_I always did like testing a hypothesis._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title is Latin for “mercy.” The line “We’ve been through too much to stop trusting each other” is something Janeway says to Chakotay in the episode “The Voyager Conspiracy.” Also, a huge **thank you** to everybody who’s posted concrit on this story! Your feedback has caused me to take this this story in a very different – and frankly, much **better** – direction than I originally planned.


	7. Iungendorum

The _Voyager_ reunion proceeded uneventfully, or what passes for “uneventful” at a party with Tom Paris and Harry Kim present. Chakotay stayed on one side of the room with the security officers and engineering staff, catching up on everything he’d missed from the last six years. Tom Paris dutifully shuttled over every crew member who hadn’t seen Chakotay since their return from the Delta Quadrant; meanwhile, B’Elanna and Harry took turns at losing to Kathryn in pool.

Late in the evening, Chakotay stepped outside onto a patio. The pub had grown stultifying with so many people packed in, and he needed the air. He couldn’t say how long he’d been there when he felt a presence next to him.

“Chakotay,” a feminine voice said tentatively.

He startled. “Kathryn! I, um… I’m sorry, I didn’t see you there…”

She gave him a small smile. “It’s all right. Actually, I came out here to talk to you.

“I’m glad to hear that. I wanted to talk to you too,” he said, shoulders tense and heart thudding against his ribcage.

“Relax,” she deadpanned, “I’m not going to disembowel you with a rusty knife, or whatever it is that B’Elanna and Tom are worried about.”

He chuckled. “They’ve spent the last few weeks convinced that you’re going to murder me.”

She waved her hand dismissively. “If I wanted to kill you, you’d already be dead.” Forcing herself to keep her tone light, she added, “I… finally read your letter last night.”

Exhaling slightly, he said, “I’m glad to hear that.”

“Those things you said about me… they were very kind. Thank you.”

“They were true," he replied, eyes locked on hers.

Something flickered across Kathryn’s face, but it was gone as quickly as it came. With her usual steel, she said, “Well, I’m grateful to hear your apology; I missed you.”

“I missed you too,” he said with a voice like melted butter.

After a pause, she continued, “I see you’ve been promoted to Captain. Quite a change from being a wanted man.”

He smiled. “After we returned to the Alpha Quadrant, I realized that I’d grown to enjoy life in the fleet again. I’ve been captain of the _Salk_ for almost four years now; for the last few months, we’ve been out at the Maytroba system studying fossils of possible early hominids.”

“Early hominids?”

“Yes, so there’s a hypothesis that the Maytroba system had the earliest bipedal life in the galaxy. If we can prove that, it could have major implications for…”

* * *

Tom Paris realized it had been almost fifteen minutes since he last saw Chakotay. And where was the captain? He looked over at where B’Elanna, Reg Barclay, and The Doctor were playing cards… no Janeway. The last time he’d seen Chakotay, he was with Harry; there were Harry and Tuvok, but no Chakotay. Then he glanced at the patio: oh, _shit_.

“Paris to Torres, we have a Code Red. I repeat, we have a Code Red. This is not a drill.”

B’Elanna’s head whipped up and immediately she saw the captain and Chakotay on the patio. “Oh, shit.” She and her husband hastily made their way over, expecting to break up a melee.

Instead, they stepped out into the cool night air to find their former commanding officers chatting amiably. Both leaned on the railing in relaxed postures, smiling at each other the way they did so long ago. The younger officers gaped in disbelief. If it weren’t for the facts that no one was in uniform and they could smell the ocean, they’d swear they were back on _Voyager_.

Kathryn looked up first. “Tom! B’Elanna! Is everything all right?”

“Um… yes… is everything OK out here, ma’am?” Tom said warily.

Kathryn rolled her eyes at him and said, “Mr. Paris, I’ll have you know that I am perfectly capable of acting like a civilized person.”

Chakotay gave her a skeptical look. “When did that start?”

“Probably around the time you got all that gray hair, old man,” she teased. Chakotay groaned but took the jab in stride.

Torres and Paris visibly relaxed, and then stammered out some excuse about needing to get back to Miral. Every few minutes after they left, another crew member would walk by and not-so-subtly look through the windows at them, as if they were the teachers and Kathryn and Chakotay were a couple of unruly students. After the third or fourth crewmember passed by, Lieutenant Harry Kim poked his head in and did a double-take at the sight of the two of them together.

“Captain!”

“Yes?” They chorused, and then snickered at each other.

“Uh… how is everything out here?” Kim asked with forced cheerfulness.

“Just fine, Harry,” Chakotay assured him.

“Uh… good, good. It’s uh… it’s nice to see you two together.” Harry smiled, and after an awkward pause, continued, “Um well, I’ll leave you be.”

After he departed, Kathryn rolled her eyes. “The crew is acting like we’re about to burn the place down.”

He smiled at her. “Or like their estranged parents are finally speaking again.”

Kathryn’s eyes took on a mischievous glint. “You want to know what will really get the gossip mill going?”

“I can think of several things that fall into that category,” he said, hoping he’d kept the lust out of his tone. “What did you have in mind?”

“We could walk out of here together,” she said, and held out her arm.

_Not what I was hoping for, but I’ll take it._ “Great idea,” he replied and took her arm. As the two of them swept towards the exit, everyone in attendance stopped what they were doing to gawk. 

They stepped out onto the street and regarded each other awkwardly for a moment. She finally broke the silence with, “Well, I’ve got to get going. Early lecture tomorrow morning.”

“Yeah, my shuttle leaves at 0600…”

“Chakotay,” she murmured, “Promise me it won’t be six more years before I see you again?”

“I promise,” he replied.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title is Latin for "cessation of hostilities."


	8. Incendium

They’d decided to try regular subspace calls, and the first one occurred roughly a week after the reunion. Everything went smoothly for the first ten minutes, and then Chakotay made a suggestion.

“So, the _Salk_ needs to go back to Utopia Planitia in a few weeks for a refit of the warp drive. I was planning to spend my shore leave on Earth… I was wondering if maybe we could get together?” 

The mischief in his eyes and flirtation in his voice were undeniable, and while they would make most heterosexual women weak at the knees, they made Kathryn Janeway’s jaw clench.

She held up her right hand in a “stop” gesture. “Wait a minute, Chakotay. It was good to see you the other night, and I’m glad we can be civil for the crew’s sake, but we still have some, as you put it, ‘unfinished business.’ I know you were trying to make things work with Seven and I respect that but really, 6 years?”

“Like I said-“

She cut him off with a sardonic reply, “Funny, you don’t seem to miss her very much.”  
  
He fidgeted uncomfortably. He didn’t, not anymore, but he wasn’t going to give her the satisfaction of being right.  
  
Her eyes bored into him through the screen. “What was it really, Chakotay? Why did you _really_ avoid me all those years?”

His face darkened like the horizon before a Midwest thunderstorm. “You don’t know what it was like.”  
  
Kathryn barked, “Bullshit! I loved two men before you; I buried one of them and the other one gave me up for dead! I know exactly what a broken heart is like and it doesn’t excuse you!”

“Not that,” he growled. “You were the glorious Captain Janeway, Hero of _Voyager_.”  
  
She shot back, “You were a hero too, and I never missed an opportunity to remind everyone of that.”

He folded his arms and regarded her coldly. “To some I was a hero. To a lot of people, I was still just Maquis scum, regardless of what you said. To a few people, I still am. My first assignment after Voyager was the _Crick_ , and my captain only spoke to me when he absolutely had to. He even tried to turn the crew against me, encouraged all the conspiracy theorists to spout their bullshit. I’m just lucky that Captain LaForge gave me a chance on the _Challenger_ or I probably would never have had a positive review again.”

Kathryn blinked. “But B’Elanna never-“

He interrupted, snarling, “Of course B’Elanna never had that problem! She’s married to Admiral Paris’ son, and the admiral will do anything for her! She’s practically untouchable. Meanwhile, the only admiral who I _thought_ I could count on to fight for me was suddenly too busy being a celebrity.”

Kathryn snorted in derision. “Is that what you think I was doing? No, Chakotay, I was playing the game. I gave Starfleet their pretty face and feel-good story to drive up recruitment, and in exchange for that the Maquis were pardoned and people like Harry Kim got a fair shake at promotional review boards. I’d throw on a dress and paint on a smile, go off to their stupid parties, say the right things to the media… and then I’d come back home and lie in bed with the curtains closed for days at a time.”

She looked down at her hands and said quietly, “For seven years, every single time I spoke to someone, in the back of my mind I’d wonder if it would be the last time, if later that day they’d get killed by the caprices of the Delta Quadrant or I would have to ask them to sacrifice their life for their crewmates, or if… I would make a terrible mistake. It left me afraid to speak to anybody for months after we returned.” Her tone hardened as she added, “But _you_ don’t know what _that’s_ like.”

“Kathryn, I’m a captain now too,” he began.

She retorted, “You’re a captain in the Alpha Quadrant. You can speak to your friends or family or other captains any time you want. You can take shore leave! I was on duty twenty-four hours a day for seven years straight. I only had you, and when I needed you most you abandoned me.”

Glaring daggers at him, she snapped, “Janeway out.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title is Latin for “conflagration.” I bet these aren’t the flames you were expecting.
> 
> Janeway’s line about having loved two men before Chakotay is a reference to the Voyager novel _Mosaic_ by Jeri Taylor. Highly recommended for any Janeway fan!


	9. Consilium

“I should have known,” Chakotay groaned to his ship’s counselor. “Kathryn was wracked with guilt over _Voyager_ from the beginning, and she hates herself more than anyone else ever could. I should have known that our return was just as difficult for her as it was for me.”

The counselor, a middle-aged man named Tiberius, asked him, “Is it fair to say you were struggling with guilt too? Not necessarily about _Voyager_ , but about the way things went just before the two of you returned home?”

Chakotay sighed. “Rushing into things with Seven was one of the dumbest things I’ve ever done. At the time, I wanted children, and I knew that wasn’t happening with Kathryn – after we’d been on _Voyager_ for a few years, she said that she’d come to think of the crew as her children, and that was enough for her.”

“And you thought you could have a family with Seven?”

“Something like that. But that didn’t happen, and after awhile I realized that was best for all concerned,” Chakotay said with palpable relief.

Tiberius tilted his salt-and-pepper head. “But Kathryn didn’t know that, and none of the crew could have told her.”

“Right.”

“So, for all she knew, you were perfectly happy with a woman who’d been like a daughter to her, while she was simultaneously having to be Starfleet’s media darling and dealing with crippling PTSD.” Tiberius’ correction was gentle but firm. He had never met Admiral Janeway, but he didn’t need to be her counselor to see she’d been unwell for months after _Voyager’s_ return; in all the early photos, she was too thin, the light gone from her smile, a haunted look in her eyes.

“And,” Tiberius continued, “You were her main emotional support on _Voyager_ , and suddenly you were gone. Even if she was no longer romantically interested in you, the perceived loss of your friendship at a time of such upheaval would have been exceptionally difficult.”

“No wonder she’s furious with me,” Chakotay muttered.

Tiberius nodded. “You’ve recognized where you went wrong; that’s good. An apology is definitely in order, but in addition to that, there’s another thing I think you should do when you communicate with Kathryn again.”

“What’s that?”

“If Admiral Janeway is anything like the other Starfleet officers I’ve known, she wants to have all the facts of a situation. I get the impression that she’s missing a few key facts of this one – am I correct?”

“As usual,” Chakotay sighed.

“I think if you tell her the truth – the _whole_ truth, this time – that would go a long way towards repairing the bridges between you two.”

Chakotay nodded. “She always did appreciate honesty.”

Tiberius gave his captain a stern look. “And Chakotay? For the love of whichever higher powers you believe in, leave romance out of it this time!”

The starship captain resembled a child being scolded by a teacher. “Yes, Tiberius.”

* * *

“All right, Kathryn, what’s eating you?” Koyiro asked, kindly.

“Nothing.”

“Kathryn, you can’t lie to an empath. And even if you could, you should know by now that burying your problems doesn’t solve them,” Koyiro gently admonished.

She let out a heavy sigh. “I spoke with Chakotay over subspace last night.”

Koyiro raised an eyebrow. “I can sense it didn’t go very well.”

Kathryn grunted in agreement. “Everything went fine as long as we kept it light. But then he asked me to meet with him when his ship is at Utopia Planitia, and it was pretty clear he had romance in mind.”

“Are you opposed to that?”

“No… but it didn’t feel right. And I didn’t completely believe his explanation for why he’d stayed away for so many years, so I called him on it.”

“What did he say?”

Hunched forward, elbows on knees and head hanging, Kathryn said, “It turned out he felt I’d abandoned him too. After _Voyager_ came home, Starfleet had a real PR coup on their hands, and they strutted me out in front of as many dignitaries and media outlets as they could. They said the positive publicity would drive up recruitment, which it did – Academy applications went up 30%, enlistments went up 50%. But… they only wanted me. Half my crew, including Chakotay, was ex-Maquis, and there was – is – still a lot of resentment towards them.”

Koyiro nodded; it had been impossible to ignore the grumbling about “traitors wearing our uniforms” that had circulated throughout San Francisco in those days. “And you thought that was unfair.”

Kathryn looked her in the eye and said, “Absolutely. I went through hell with these people; they proved their worth and then some. So, I made a deal with Command: I’d be their princess, say all the right things to all the right people, shake hands, kiss babies, and in exchange, they’d pardon the ex-Maquis and allow the ones who wanted to continue serving to do so. And they’d take everyone’s experiences on _Voyager_ into account at promotional review boards. After about a year, the media attention finally died down. I never thought I’d enjoy a desk job, but when I got one, it was a welcome respite.”

“Did you try to contact him at all in the intervening years?”  
  
Kathryn regarded her with a hang dog expression. “The first year, I didn’t speak to much of anyone, except for my mother and sister and whoever they had me meet at official functions. After that... I suppose I just couldn’t handle hearing about his life with her. It felt like he’d gotten together with one of my students. I didn’t ask the crew about him, and they had the decency not to bring it up.”  
  
Koyiro nodded. “You were jealous. That’s a very natural reaction. But, can you see how your lack of contact, coupled with all the media attention you received, might’ve made him think he didn’t matter to you anymore?”  
  
Kathryn barked incredulously, “Are you saying this is _my_ fault?!?”  
  
“I’m saying that when relationships fall apart, it’s almost never just one person’s fault. If he has all the blame, that makes you a victim. And if there’s one thing I can say with absolute certainty about you, it’s that you, Admiral Kathryn Janeway, are _not_ a victim,” she said with a compassionate smile.

_Damn._ Kathryn had to give Koyiro credit – unlike many of her former counselors, Koyiro was usually insightful.

Koyiro paused, taking care to choose the right words. “We’ve spoken before about how debilitating your PTSD symptoms were after you returned.”

“Yes. We all struggled,” she murmured, eyes downcast.

“But I think it’s fair to say that you struggled more than most of the crew, because you felt responsible for the situation. And I think it’s possible that Chakotay struggled just as much as you did, because from what you’ve told me, throughout your time in the Delta Quadrant, he felt responsible for you.”

“Yes, he did,” Kathryn admitted. “I can’t even count the number of times he had to remind me to eat and sleep over the years.”

“You carried the ship; he carried you. It sounds like you both had exceptionally heavy burdens. Maybe now you can finally help each other put them down.”

“Maybe,” Kathryn replied, inscrutable as a Vulcan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title is Latin for - what else? - counsel.


	10. Epistol

_To: Admiral Kathryn Janeway_

_From: Captain Chakotay_

_Subject: Coming clean_

_Kathryn, I want to apologize yet again. You were right to call me out the other night; I hadn’t been truthful with you, and in fact, I still haven’t told you the whole truth. I wasn’t only avoiding you all those years. I avoided_ Voyager’s _entire crew._

_For the first few years after we returned, seeing anyone from_ Voyager _caused me extreme anxiety. A few times I had flashbacks and didn't know where or when I was. I could only barely handle being near Seven. Even when we were Earthside, I kept worrying that the Borg or Species 8472 or the Hirogen or who knows what else would come crashing in and have us fighting for our lives. Sometimes I wondered if it was all a dream and we were really still in the Delta Quadrant. That was why I hadn’t attended a crew reunion before this year; seeing all of them at the same time would’ve given me a panic attack._

_I barely kept my head above water at the_ Crick _– our security chief was one of the conspiracy theorists who believed_ Voyager _was never lost – and stayed away from counseling much longer than I should have. It was a struggle to attend this year’s reunion, and I almost left early. But with a little help from above, I got through it._

_Sincerely,_

_Chakotay_

_To: Captain Chakotay_

_From: Admiral Kathryn Janeway_

_Subject: Coming clean_

_I’m glad you finally told me the truth. The last several years make more sense now – your absence at our reunions, the crew’s refusal to discuss you or Seven._

_I heard the rumors too: that_ Voyager _was never actually in the Delta Quadrant, that Owen Paris had sent us on some sort of secret mission in order to keep his son out of the Dominion War. Ludicrous when you consider that the war began two years after we left and ended two years before our return. It seems that Starfleet’s favorite pastime is gossip._

_Being at Starfleet Command and then the Academy shielded me from most of it, however. I didn’t realize how bad it had been for some of you, especially for the ex-Maquis. B’Elanna said a lot of them hid their difficulties from me because I felt bad enough about stranding everyone in the Delta Quadrant that they didn’t need me to feel guilty about bringing them home too._

_I depended on you so much when we were in the Delta Quadrant. I should have known that you’d come to depend on me as well. You once said you’d do anything to make my burdens lighter; I wish you’d allowed me to return the favor._

_Kathryn_

_To: Admiral Janeway_

_From: Captain Chakotay_

_Subject: Coming clean_

_Much like a certain former captain of mine, I’ve always had trouble asking for help. But I think I’ve finally learned my lesson on that subject. If it’s all right with you, I’d like to be able to call you the next time I have a bad day – and please feel free to call me too._

_It’s been so many years since I was back at Starfleet Academy. Do they still have the Boothby hologram? Has the food in the mess hall improved?_

_Chakotay_

_To: Captain Chakotay_

_From: Admiral Kathryn Janeway_

_Subject: Coming clean_

_I’d be delighted to take your call, any time. I still keep the same hours as I did on_ Voyager _(my mother despairs of me) so don’t worry about interrupting my sleep._

_Yes, the Boothby hologram is still in place, and Admiral Janeway appreciates his insights almost as much as Cadet Janeway did. As for the food in the cafeteria, it remains hit and miss. Sometimes it’s delicious, and other times it makes Neelix look like a gourmet. In fact, I think a few of their chefs could learn something from him…_

_Kathryn_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title is Latin for "letters."
> 
> Apologies, this was not the most exciting chapter... I'll make it up to you in the next one.


	11. Sociis

Fate always throws one a curve ball on seemingly ordinary mornings. This was one such morning. Captain Chakotay was at the bridge of the _Salk_ as they cruised back to Starbase 215 with data from their recent mission. No hostile ships in the vicinity, no temporal anomalies, no Qs asking to procreate, just a normal trip through Federation space.

A console chirped and the ensign at Ops, a Bajoran named Zirki, said, “Captain, we’re receiving a Priority One subspace message from the USS _Franklin_.”

“On screen,” Chakotay replied. He rose from his chair as the screen blinked on with a view of the _Franklin’s_ bridge. He startled slightly at the face looking back at him. “Admiral Janeway! This is a surprise.”

“Captain Chakotay,” Kathryn said with unmistakable warmth. Shifting back into Admiral Janeway, she continued, “I wish I could say this was a social call, but unfortunately, I have urgent business.”

“Understood. What do you need, Admiral?”

She replied, “You’re aware that I teach Leadership and Survival Skills at the Academy. For their final project, I divide my third-year cadets into teams of five, give them a runabout, drop them off 3.5 light years away – the exact location is different for each group – and their orders are to return to Starbase 213. The catch is their runabouts can’t go faster than Warp 5, and as they’ve no replicators, their rations won’t be sufficient.”

“Quite a test,” Chakotay said.

“It’s supposed to be. Unfortunately, one of the runabouts is now four days late in returning and we’ve been unable to find it. The _Franklin_ and the _Curie_ have been searching for two days with no success, so now we’re widening the search range. The _Salk_ is the next closest ship.”

“We’re glad to help, Admiral.” He studied her and saw the face she’d worn every day on _Voyager_ , the one that veiled confidence over unutterable guilt, the one that insisted she was fine even when she felt like she’d been ripped limb from limb.

“Good. We’re sending you the runabout’s specs, last known coordinates, and cadet roster now. Your orders are to begin a search of the area and any M-class planets. If you find the cadets, you’re to beam them aboard and tractor the runabout. I want to be notified immediately of any new developments.”

He gave a professional nod. “Yes, Admiral. You have our full support.”

She smiled minutely. “I knew I could count on you, Captain. Janeway out.”

Chakotay turned to the bridge crew. “All right, everyone, you heard the admiral. Zirki, start scanning for the runabout’s ion trail. Nguyen,” he said, indicating his security chief, “I want you to get dossiers on all five of the cadets. If the _Curie_ and the _Franklin_ haven’t found them along an expected route to Starbase 213, my guess is that they never intended to go to Starbase 213 the in the first place. Find out as much as you can about them and let’s see if we can figure out where they might have tried to go instead. I’ll see you all in the Briefing Room in an hour.”

An hour later, they were all gathered in the Briefing Room. Zirki said, “Captain, we think we’ve found the runabout’s ion trail. It looks like it’s about 48 hours old, and as you suspected, it does not lead towards Starbase 213. The runabout’s last known location is here,” Zirki pointed to a blinking dot on the wall map. “As you can see, to reach Starbase 213 they’d need to travel at a heading of 285 mark 12. However, the runabout’s trail points towards heading 65 mark 10.”

“Good work. Nguyen, what did you find out about the cadets?”

The quarter-Klingon security chief replied, “The squad is led by a cadet named Kirk Singh; reviewing his dossier showed that he has had multiple demerits over the years for playing pranks on his fellow students and faculty. His second-in-command is named Sterling Price; Mr. Price has assisted him in several of these pranks. The other three cadets – Jenna Laren, Neha Haivu, and Tim Patel – are unremarkable.”

Chakotay regarded her quizzically. “What sort of pranks have Mr. Singh and Mr. Price done?”

She began, “Soap suds in the fountains, put up a sign that read, ‘Run: The Borg Are Chasing You!’ over the halfway mark at the Starfleet Academy Marathon, programmed the Boothby hologram to tell dirty jokes, introduced Tribbles to the mess hall…”

Chakotay held up a hand and said, “I get the idea. All right, so we have two cadets known for mischief who take their people off in entirely the wrong direction. What are they trying to do? What’s on this heading?”

Zirki looked at his captain apologetically and pointed to a planet on the right side of the screen. “That’s the closest destination I could find that fits the bill. They must have wanted an early spring break.”

Chakotay let out a low whistle. “At least the Admiral isn’t afraid of bad news. All right, everyone, back to the bridge. Zirki, send a Priority One hail to the _Franklin_.” 

Moments later, the _Franklin’s_ bridge appeared on the viewscreen. Kathryn looked tired; he doubted she’d left the bridge for more than an hour or two in the last several days. “Captain, status report?”

“Admiral, we’ve found the runabout’s ion trail; it’s weak, but we think we can track them. It appears they passed this way two days ago.”

She nodded. The relief in her eyes was invisible to everyone except him. “Understood. Any idea where they might’ve been going?”

Chakotay sucked in a deep breath. “You’re not going to like this…”

Janeway folded her arms and frowned at him. “Captain, I don’t like anything about looking for missing cadets. Just tell me: _where_ were they going?”

“Well… this is the most direct course to Risa.”

“Risa??” Janeway barked. “That’d take two weeks in a runabout!”

“Youthful invincibility,” Chakotay said, shaking his head. “I suggest our two ships fan out along the course – we may have an easier time tracking them together.”

The admiral smiled slightly. “You read my mind, Captain. Continue along your current course, Warp 6. When we catch up to you, we’ll cruise in a Vic formation. If you find the cadets before we do, beam them up and put them in your brig. Janeway out.”

* * *

At 0200 the following morning, a comm rousted Chakotay from his nap on the couch in the Ready Room. “Bridge to Captain Chakotay.”

He cleared his throat and said, “Go ahead.”

“Captain, we’ve found the runabout. We’ve tried hailing them, but they won’t respond.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title is Latin for "allies." Risa is a tropical vacation planet that appeared on TNG a few times.


	12. Auxilium

Chakotay leaped off the couch and strode back onto the bridge, suddenly energized. As he came through the doors, he asked, “Lifesigns on the runabout?”

“Five, sir,” the ensign said matter-of-factly.

“Good. Chakotay to Transporter Room, get a lock on the cadets and beam them directly to sickbay.”

“Aye, sir.”

He turned to his security chief and said, “Nguyen, take a security detail and meet them there; once they’re medically cleared, escort them to the brig.”

The red-haired ensign at Ops looked over at him and said, “Sir, should we hail the _Franklin_?”

“Are they in transporter range?”

She replied, “Not yet, sir – at their current speed and heading, they won’t be in range for another thirty minutes.”

“In that case, let’s give Admiral Janeway thirty minutes to drink her coffee. Hail them when they’re in range; she’ll want to beam over immediately. I’m headed to sickbay. Lieutenant, you have the bridge.”

* * *

When Chakotay arrived in sickbay, the doctor explained to Chakotay and Nguyen that the cadets had run out of rations 36 hours earlier and were dehydrated and hypoglycemic, but otherwise none the worse for wear. He gave them each an energy bar and a bottle of water and cleared them to be taken to the brig. 

“I’d like a word with them first, Nguyen,” Chakotay said. “After that, they’re all yours.”

The five cadets sat on biobeds wearing mortified expressions. A security officer loomed over each of them.

Chakotay stood in front of them, arms folded. “I’m Captain Chakotay, commander of the _Salk_. I’m not going to lecture you; whatever I say will pale in comparison with Admiral Janeway’s reaction.”

The cadets exchanged anxious looks.

“I’ve known the admiral a long time. No one in Starfleet is a more loyal ally than she is – or a fiercer enemy,” he said darkly. “She will be here in half an hour. I suggest you use that time to practice begging for mercy.” 

The cadets remained silent, faces downcast.

Chakotay tilted his head. “I do have one question, though: why didn’t you respond to our hails?”

One of the men – he guessed Singh – spoke up hesitantly. “We… couldn’t, Captain. We attempted to build a water replicator but accidentally blew out our communications system in the process.”

Chakotay sighed. “I can see that none of you is an engineer. Security, take them to the brig.”

* * *

Admiral Janeway marched into the brig with a steely expression. As the _Salk_ was a small ship, all of the cadets were crammed into one cell. White-hot fury burned in her eyes as she surveyed her wayward charges.

“Just what in the _hell_ were you thinking?!?”

Silence.

She put her hands on her hips, and in a tone that would’ve sent anyone on _Voyager_ crying for their mother, growled, “Cadets, I asked you a question.”

Jenna Laren, a blond half-Bajoran woman, spoke up timidly. “We were trying to get extra credit.”

Janeway glowered at her with equal parts rage and incredulity. “Extra credit?!?”

Singh stood up, squared his shoulders and jutted out his chin. “It was my idea, Admiral. We thought that if we could get all the way to Risa, we’d demonstrate superior skills and maybe get a better grade.”

Price stood up next to him and added, “We thought we could manage it, but we didn't have as many opportunities to take on rations as we hoped. I helped Kirk plan this, Admiral; Jenna, Neha, and Tim were just following our orders.”

Her eyes drilled through them like phasers as she snarled, “All five of you should know that Starfleet officers do not ‘just follow orders.’ If your commanding officer gives an order you find immoral, or in this case, jeopardizes the safety of your ship and crew, you are _obligated_ not to comply. You’ve all demonstrated an appalling lack of judgment and disregard for the lives of your compatriots, not to mention extreme insubordination.”

The cadets stared at the floor, wilted by the admiral’s wrath.

She snapped, “We’ll be at Starbase 215 tomorrow. There’s a penal transport leaving from there at 1400 hours and you five will be on it. You’ll then be taken to the Academy for a disciplinary hearing with the Commandant. Understood?” 

“Yes, Admiral,” they chorused meekly.

Janeway gave them one last withering glare, then stalked out of the brig. Once in the corridor, she glanced around, and finding herself alone, said, “Computer, locate Captain Chakotay.”

“Captain Chakotay is in his quarters.”

* * *

Chakotay was at his desk working on personnel reviews when he heard a chime at the door. “Come in.”

He arose from the desk and blinked in surprise at the sight of Kathryn Janeway in the doorway. He'd never seen her look so small and tired. “Are you all right?” he asked as the doors swished shut behind her.

Her shoulders sagged and her chin sunk down. “No. I’m not,” she choked. “They could’ve been killed.”

He closed the distance between them and enveloped her in a hug. “But they weren’t.” _And if they were, it would have been their own fault._

She silently returned the hug. “Someday, someone will…”

“But not today,” he reminded her. After a few moments of silence, he lifted her chin so that he could look her in the eye. “This isn’t your fault.”

She leaned her head onto his shoulder. “Not today,” she whispered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title is Latin for "Aid."


	13. Pax

He looked down at her and said, “How long has it been since you ate?”

She glanced to the side. “Um…”

“That’s what I thought,” he said with a gentle smile. “I’m not expected on the bridge until Alpha shift starts at 0800; how about I replicate us some dinner?”

“That’d be nice,” she replied, returning the smile. Kathryn took a seat while he replicated two portions of paprika chicken for them.

Sitting at the dinner table in Chakotay’s quarters suddenly took Kathryn back to another time, another ship, and another captain’s quarters. Her pulse skyrocketed and she began hyperventilating. _I’m back on_ Voyager _again, 70,000 light years away, the Borg are bearing down on us, I’ve got to get us home, why did I do this to us?_

Chakotay’s head whipped around at the sound of Kathryn’s labored breathing. He rushed to sit next to her and laid his hand on her shoulder. “Kathryn? Are you okay?

He slowly came into her focus. _No. Not_ Voyager _. New uniforms. He’s got four pips. His hair is gray. We’re on the_ Salk _. We’re in the Alpha Quadrant._ Still hyperventilating, she remembered a trick her first therapist had taught her. _I can see Chakotay, the table, the stars, the desk, the replicator. I can touch my uniform, the table, his hand, the chair. I can hear the warp engines, the air coming through the vents, and myself panting. I can smell the food and Chakotay. I can taste… damn, I can never come up with one for taste._

“Kathryn?” he asked, more concerned than before.

She reined in her breathing. “Sorry, Chakotay. For a minute I thought I was back in the Delta Quadrant.”

“That’s all right. It still happens to me once in a while.” The replicator beeped, and he squeezed her hand. “Looks like dinner’s ready.”

After he sat down across from her, he said, “What were those cadets thinking?”

Kathryn rolled her eyes. “They were trying to improve their grade by accomplishing a much more difficult task than I’d set out for them – and probably hoped for a tropical vacation in the process.”

He swallowed a bite of chicken and said, “I know it’s none of my business, but they’re getting expelled, aren’t they?”

She smirked at him the way she used to do when relaying _Voyager’s_ gossip. “Off the record, Mr. Singh and Mr. Price have probably used up all of their nine lives. The other three have had clean records thus far, so there’s a chance they might be allowed to continue.”

They ate in companionable silence for a few minutes, and then Kathryn spoke. “There’s something I’ve wanted to ask you. You said you have one regret about our time on _Voyager_. What is it?

He hesitated, then took her hand and said, “That morning after we… escaped The Void. I heard you leaving my quarters. My regret is that I didn’t stop you.”

She sighed and looked down at the table. “I couldn’t face you or anyone else that morning. I’d told the crew so many times that we needed to stick to our principles, and then I violated one of my most sacred principles. I compromised _Voyager_.”

He gave her a questioning look. “How did that compromise _Voyager_?”

She looked up at him, drew a ragged breath, and continued, “Remember how I said that I always used to worry that the next time I spoke to someone, I would be ordering them to sacrifice their life for the sake of the crew? After that night, I could no longer give you that order, and that made everyone on _Voyager_ less safe. That’s why it couldn’t happen again.”

He looked deep into her eyes and ran his thumb over her fingers. “Kathryn, if it came down to it, you wouldn’t have needed to order me. I would have volunteered. _Any_ of us would. You know that, right?”

“Yes,” she said, fighting back tears.

“And one of the reasons we would have been willing to make that sacrifice is that we all knew our captain would do the same for us. Looking back on it now, of course a captain as devoted as you would have regrets about that night.”

She smiled, and with her free hand, she cupped his cheek. “Chakotay, let’s get one thing straight: _Captain Janeway_ regrets that night. _Kathryn_ does not, and never has.”

“I always liked Kathryn better anyway,” he grinned.

“She likes you too,” she purred, then leaned in and kissed him. 

* * *

Two months later, Chakotay awoke in Kathryn’s sun-dappled San Francisco apartment, tangled up in the bedsheets and Kathryn sound asleep in his arms. He reached over and brushed a lock of red-gold hair out of her face. She stirred and her eyes fluttered open.

“Good morning, beautiful,” he whispered.

“Morning,” she murmured. “What time is it?”

“It’s about 0730. Looks like you slept well,” he grinned.

“Better than I have in a long time,” she purred. 

“What do you want to do today?”

“Right now, I just want to stay here with you,” she said, and leaned over to kiss him. He returned the kiss, and they snuggled deeper under the blankets.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title is Latin for “peace.” Kathryn’s trick for quelling her anxiety – name 5 things you can see, 4 things you can touch, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell, and 1 thing you can taste – is one I learned from a therapist friend.
> 
> A huge **thank you** to everyone who’s read and commented on this story. I hadn’t written anything for this fandom before and am blown away by the reception!


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